Conflicted – Chapter 12

“So you did love me,” Xiao You uttered, looking at Xi Men at such close proximity. “And you still do,”

She saw his eyes widened in shock.

“No. I said I did not,” he pulled back now.

“You are,”

“No, I am not,”

“You are!”

“I SAID I AM NOT!” he yelled, taking two steps back and eventually turned around to walk away.

“Look at you,”

He halted his footsteps, his eyes strayed to the left as that is the direction where she seems to be.

“Getting furious at me and walking away because you are not winning in the argument? You said you do not have feelings for me, but these actions prove you do have,” she said, looking at him from the back.

He closed his eyes for three seconds, and right after he opened them, he turned around and looked at Xiao You. “Do you expect me to smile at you when you are accusing me?”

“I am not accusing you. I saw your every actions. All of them. Including your reaction just now over there,” she said, her hand pointed to the back; referring to the wall where they were leaning against at earlier.

“My reaction just now?” he repeated after her. “What do YOU want me to react? To not move and let your skin touches mine?” he asked. “Anyone would have…” he paused momentarily as something crosses his mind, “Did… did you do that just to see how I would react?” he asked, pointing at the wall.

“Yes, I am ready for whatever that could happen. Even if I had to brush my lips with yours,” she looked at him intently.

He looked at her in disbelief for her impromptu move to test him.

“I did that because you made me to,” she adds.

“I make you to? How on earth did I make you to?” he asked, partly furious. “I did not ask to kiss you,”

She smirks. “Of course it is not that,” she said, “But because you won’t be coming extremely close to me if you don’t have feelings for me,”

He tilts his head slightly, and he smirks, “Just that?”

She looked at him.

“Then let me tell you that coming close to you have nothing to do with loving you,” he said.

“For a record; Ah Si, Mei Zhuo or even Lei will never come close to me like that. There is a limit to the proximity between man and woman as friends and what you’ve done is more than just that,”

He gazes at her. “I was mad at what you’ve said,”

“If you do not have feelings for me, why should you be mad at my words?” she asked.

He then gazes at her. “I do not have time to debate these useless things with you. I am done here. I have given you my answer. I do not love you. I don’t even like you. So I do not see a point for you to keep on persist…”

“Why is it so hard for you to admit it?” she interrupts him. “Everything you’ve done has been pointed towards it,”

“Everything that I’ve done? Really? Did you overanalyze because of your desperation and obsession of me having feelings for you?” he asked contemptuously.

She looked at him.

He looked back at her.

Instead of retorting to what Xi Men had said about her, she says, “Your tie,”

There is a distinct change of expression on Xi Men’s face, and he unconsciously raised his right hand up and squeezed the tie knot.

He is wearing that tie today!

There… there is no way she could not spot it.

He even leaned close to her earlier so she definitely could see…

“What’s with that face?”

He immediately looked at Xiao You after hearing that, realizing he had lowered his gaze briefly; and not just that, he also realized he is squeezing the tie knot, so he quickly dropped his hand.

He opened his mouth, about to speak…

“That is the tie I asked Juliana to get for you,” Xiao You said, looking at him; however she noted he is about to say something but she speaks first.

“Juliana bought me the tie. It has nothing to do with you,” he replied.

Xiao You smirked as she tilts her head. “Ah. So it really is,”

“What,” he nonchalantly said.

“You already know I was involved in selecting the tie, because you did not sound surprise at all when I said ‘I asked Juliana to get it for you’,”

Xi Men swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Okay, fine. Assuming it has nothing to do with me just like what you’ve said…” Xiao You said. “…but she has also mentioned that you have a lot of ties. She bought you plenty of ties,”

“So?”

“She said, you do not show interest in what she bought for you. Being married to you for 5 years, she still couldn’t pinpoint what you really love,” Xiao You said, looking at Xi Men. “So, naturally, she is quite concerned that buying you this tie… you will not like it as well,”

Xi Men lowered his eyes for a while, for a moment wondered where this topic is heading to, before he raised them up and looked at her again when she speaks.

“I told her; if she has been buying you things for 5 years and nothing interests you, this tie will be the same. There is no harm buying for you,”

He exhaled his deep breath.

What is her point?

“And I also told her, since you have so many ties, you can just swap ties every single day. There will be a day you will wear it,” Xiao You said. “And I am pretty sure this nice tie will be in the queue,”

Wait.

That is what Juliana said to Xi Men.

Now he knows why Juliana says so.

She learns it from Xiao You.

“Juliana bought it for me. I can wear any tie I want at any day,” he retorted.

“If you indeed swap ties every single day, this tie sure makes it pretty fast in the queue for you to wear it so soon,” she said.

“Pretty fast in the queue for me to wear it so soon?” he doesn’t understand.

“Yes. What kind of coincidence is this that I have to see you wearing it twice in a row; I don’t think you only have less than 10 ties, right?”

He frowned as he looked at her.

Twice in a row?

What is she talking about?

She looked at him, and seeing that he seems clueless or doesn’t understand at what she meant, “That’s the same tie you are wearing when I saw you two weeks ago at the coffee house,” she said. “One day after I met your wife,”

His eyes brightened up.

=====

*Flashback.

Xi Men looked at the left sleeve as he puts on the cufflink.

After he is done with it, he looked at himself in the mirror, and then turned his gaze to his drawer of ties.

He scans thru the hundreds of ties he has, thinking which one to wear for the day.

He reached for a red tie, taking it out from the drawer and then he paused, as he remembered something.

Holding onto the red tie, he walked to the entrance (or exit) of the walk-in wardrobe and then looked at the side table of his king bed.

The box is still there.

He had put it there when Juliana gives it to him last night, just the same way he treats the things she gave him every single time.

Random. Anywhere.

Putting down the red tie just on top of the cabinet, he then walked to the side table next to the king bed.

He reached for the box and opens it up.

He, for once, looked at the tie and began appreciating its exquisite texture and fine design.

Seconds later, he took the tie out from the box without hesitation and puts it around his neck.

He began tying the tie expertly.

And today, he is going to meet with Xiao You.

He had asked her out by referencing himself as ‘San Chai’.

*Flashback ended.

=====

He has been wearing that tie for two weeks now.

And he didn’t know it.

He just wanted to wear the tie every single morning.

He looked at Xiao You, “I like the tie, so I am wearing it however often that I want to,”

“Because I was involved in selecting the tie, right?” she said.

“Nothing to do with you. I just like the design,” he said.

“Design?” she asked, looking at him. “Really?”

He looked at her. “Why? I can’t?” he mocked.

“Of all things, you like the ‘design’ of a tie that I am somehow involved in?” Xiao You asked.

“It is just coincidence,” Xi Men said, and then exhaled a deep breath, “Since a tie like this can cause such havoc and brought up stupid speculations, I’ll make sure this is the last time I’m wearing this,”

She looked at him.

“Are you satisfied with my explanation now?” Xi Men asked, staring at her.

She is still looking at him, and seconds later, she dropped her gaze slightly to look at the tie. “If that is what you say, fine with me,” she lifted her gaze up and looked at Xi Men again.

Staring at him, she took few steps closer to him, bridging their distance.

Without lowering his head, his eyes take note of their distance.

And she is just approaching him…

He clenched his teeth and swallowed a lump in his throat unknowingly as she approaches.

She stopped right in front of him with just one step away.

That is when he raised his eyes up to look at her face, staring into her eyes.

“But,”

He eyed her briefly upon hearing that from her.

“I am going to leave this place today believing with what I’ve seen, and not what I heard,” she uttered.

“Believing what you’ve seen and not what you’ve heard?” he repeated after her questionably.

“Because, I saw every bit of actions from you that have showed what and how you felt; and they are contrasting with what you’ve said,” Xiao You said. “Even if you refuse to admit it from your lips; your behavior, reactions and body languages had displayed otherwise. I know for sure how you felt for me,”

He looked at her, and then he exhaled a deep breath in frustration, before he chuckled in disbelief. “I could never imagine your obsession and desperation could led to hallucination,”

She looked at him, “Hallucination? You even said I hallucinate now?”

He looked at her, and then smirks, “Pretty obvious you are, right?”

Xiao You looked at Xi Men intently, and then tilts her head. “I am done tolerating you and your words,”

He gazes at her, his smirk slowly fades.

“You do have great ways to twist and turn things, Xi Men. After spewing degrading remarks towards me, luring me to be your mistress, and now even says I am hallucinating to avoid admitting to your feelings, what’s next? What’s the next thing you would utter to hurt me? To degrade a woman?” Xiao You asked, looking intently at him.

He looked at her, startled.

“You are doing all of them to cover yourself up. I know that for sure. And for a moment you succeeded in making me afraid of you but just so you know, I am not anymore; not at this moment,” she said. “However,” she stared at him, “Regardless you do that with intention to upset me or to cover yourself up, I am extremely hurt by the words you use towards me,” she adds. “Other than leaving this office of yours knowing how you felt for me, I will also know how hurtful you have been to me,” she continues, “Etched in my heart,”

He just looked at her.

She gritted her teeth as she looked at him.

They exchanged gazes in silence.

He looked into her eyes… when she breaks the gaze and turns around to head to the door…

“I am sorry,”

She halted her footsteps.

His tone is different.

“I am sorry for the things I’ve said,” Xi Men said, looking at Xiao You’s back. “I don’t mean it. I seriously don’t mean it,”

Her gaze dropped slightly.

She could sense his sincerity from his voice.

“I am really sorry,”

She swallowed the lump in her throat.

She then took a deep breath and exhaled it from her mouth, and right at that moment Xi Men had walked passed right next to her and stood in front of her.

Xiao You lifted her head up slowly, and looked at him.

There is something different about his gaze.

And not only that, there is something about him now that is different compared to how hateful he was trying to offend her just now.

But she couldn’t pinpoint…

“If you know the truth about how I felt for you, what is it going to do to you? What is it going to do to me?”

Xiao You is startled upon hearing that.

She finally figured what’s ‘different’ about him.

Xi Men had dropped his guard.

The protection he had around him had vanished.

She could feel it.

He raised his hand up and gripped her arm, “So what if I had loved you once?” Xi Men asked, looking at her. “And so what if I am still in love with you?” he adds. “Is it going to make a difference?”

Words stuck in Xiao You’s mouth.

“Is it going to change anything?” he asked.

“I…”

“You know nothing can be changed, right? Then why? Why do you still want to know?” he asked, briefly shakes her arm. “Why demand for that?”

“Xi Men… I…”

“You are married now, Xiao You,” he said.

She realizes his eyes had gone teary.

“So what do you want me to do, Xiao You? Break up your marriage with Mark, divorce Juliana and marry you?”

Xiao You’s eyes widened and she shook wildly. “No… no…”

How on earth can he say that?!

“You love Mark, right?”

She looked at him and she nods.

“Are you happy with Mark?”

She nodded, “Yes…”

“Then that is all matters,” he said, dropping his hand that is holding her arm. “You just have to know… what I felt does not matter; the past no longer matters. It’s just… past,”

As she looked at Xi Men, she slowly pressed her lips together.

Xi Men’s use of words… is a confirmation.

Heaving a deep breath, Xi Men closed his eyes.

“Xi Men…”

He slowly opened his eyes and looked at her.

She bites her lips, “I didn’t… leave you, I didn’t leave you in that way that…”

“You migrated,” he interrupts.

“But I didn’t leave you in that sense that you’ve conveyed to…”

“You leave the country, Xiao You,” he emphasized his words.

“Then you could come for me. How on earth could you assume that letting me go and never coming after me is for the best of me?”

He looked at her, and he clenched his teeth.

“Then what about me?” she asked him back, suddenly getting emotional. “Why does it have to be you to do all these decisions and assume things are the best for me in that way?”

“Didn’t you meet Mark?”

“Yes, I did. But I was there silently loving you until I met Mark!”

Xi Men looked straight at Xiao You, his eyes widened.

Tears formed in her eyes and a tear fell on Xiao You’s face.

“I could not move on from you. I can’t,” she said, looking at him. “All I could do was just silently loving you,” she wiped the fallen tear. “I didn’t know you love me. Because all I ever know is that I had never moved you, never made an impression to you, and never was your type… so after all of these beliefs… how could you had love me…”

“Xiao You, I…” he said, raising his hand up, wanting to hold her arm again.

But she quickly takes a step back, refusing to let him touch her.

“We could have been together,” Xiao You said. “If you had come for me, I would be with you. I know that for a fact, since you shared the same feelings with me. But you have decided to keep it to yourself and deciding that not pursuing me was for the best for me. So, this is where we are now,”

He looked at her, and he slowly lowered his hand.

“You had ‘sent me away’, to Mark,” she said. “And you married Juliana,”

Xi Men lowered his head down.

“Yes, you are right. There is nothing you can do anymore right now,” Xiao You adds.

Xi Men could only slowly, returning his gaze to her.

“We have both moved on with our lives… married to someone now,” Xiao You said.

Xi Men lowered his gaze, and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Xi Men, Juliana loves you very much,” Xiao You said. “Treat her well. She is your wife after all,”

“Stay happy with Mark, Xiao You,” Xi Men uttered instead.

“I will,” she said.

She looked at him still, and then she heads to the door.

Xi Men took a deep breath before he walked towards his desk slowly.

Xiao You stopped in front of the door and took a deep breath.

Xi Men continues walking to his desk.

“Thank… thank you for the answer,” Xiao You said.

Xi Men halted his steps right next to his desk upon hearing it.

Xiao You reached for the knob and then twists it, before pulling the door to open it, and then she walked out from the room.

Still standing at where he is, he could hear the heels’ stepping away, getting further from where he is.

The door of his room closed tight, shutting off the heels’ sound.

Xi Men extends his right hand out and puts it on the corner of the desk, immediately transferring the strength of his upper body to the right hand; causing him to be dependent on his right hand to remain standing up.

And he is totally holding onto the strength of his lower body, hoping his legs don’t give way now.

His left hand reached for his heart and he placed his hand there, trying to feel his rapidly-beating heart and also consoling the same pitiful heart that is about to burst.

He took multiple deep breaths to calm himself down.

He gulps down the lump in his throat as well.

The whole conversation is just too intense.

He admitted he had gone overboard with his words to be so hateful and to degrade her just so he doesn’t have to admit having feelings for her.

He wanted to make her angry so that she’ll stop asking and then will prompt her to stay away from him in the future.

But he didn’t expect to hear that his rudeness had hurt her tremendously.

The heartbroken gaze she gave him had prompted Xi Men to give in and apologized… because she is the last person on earth that he would want to hurt.

And he didn’t expect to hear from her that she had not moved on from him for years until she met Mark.

He didn’t expect at all…

He finally realized what kind of mistake he has made after 12 years.

If he had gone after her, life would have been different for both of them today.

If only he did not ‘assume’.

Just like Xiao You had said, because he assumed this is the best thing for Xiao You, he had sent her to Mark.

—–

“I could not move on from you. I can’t,” she said, looking at him. “All I could do was just silently loving you,” she wiped the fallen tear. “I didn’t know you love me. Because all I ever know is that I had never moved you, never made an impression to you, and never was your type… so after all of these beliefs… how could you had love me…”

—–

He took another deep breath as his tears formed in his eyes and in no time it flows down to his cheek.

“If only I could fix this right…”

“If only I could,”

Too late.

This will be the biggest regret of his life.

*****

Xiao You gripped onto the strap of her handbag as she walked off from Xi Men’s CEO room.

She walked straight out, and then after looking out for the signs to know where the lavatory is, she heads to that direction.

She practically dashes into the lavatory, which thankfully, has no one else in it, and then she heads into one of the cubicles.

After closing the door in front of her, she pressed her hand against the door.

She felt her heart almost stopped beating.

She felt she almost died when Xi Men leaned so damn close to her.

She could have given up somewhere in the middle due to his pressure, but she is glad she didn’t.

She was angry with Xi Men proposing the idea to have her as his mistress although she had confirmed right now, he never meant what he said – including all those hurtful things he had uttered.

She took a deep breath and then gulps down the lump in her throat.

She found out about the truth now, but she isn’t exactly glad.

She didn’t expect the way the conversation will go.

And right now, she didn’t know how to face Xi Men.

And how will their friendship change?


Previous Chapter | Contents | Next Chapter

9 thoughts on “Conflicted – Chapter 12

  1. huftt..so emotional….once again xm make xy hurt because his words….ugh why i must crying…:-(….
    next chap…please…

    • Ah, I have to explain about this.

      XY did not get hurt by XM as badly as we thought, but she said ‘she is hurt’ mainly because of XM saying demeaning things towards her earlier in the conversation (this is from chapter 11). And what she said (that she is hurt) actually hits XM on his soft spot, and being guilty of what he had said which is unintentional, he apologizes. At the end of the chapter, XY knew XM is just provoking her, that he tries to make her afraid of him and wanting her to leave the place without finding out the truth. So this kind of ‘hurt’ that XY has is not the same as in the story ‘I Still’. 🙂

  2. Really an intense “confrontation”. Good for Xiao You to know the truth or not, i dunno since nothing can be done at this moment. Maybe things might changed soon. Haahaa..

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s