Love/Hate – Chapter 29

Xiao You turned her head and then slowly opened her eyes as she heard the sound of the doorknob turned.

She looked straight at Jing who opened the door.

“Good morning, Xiao You,” Jing said.

“Morning…” Xiao You said as she stretches her hands.

“Errr… did I wake you up?” Jing asked, as she closed the door.

“Sorta,” Xiao You smiled.

“Oops, sorry,” Jing said.

“Not a problem,” Xiao You said. “You’re early,”

“It’s already 10am,” Jing smiled.

“Oh?” Xiao You said. “Then it must be the meds,”

“Drowsy?”

“It makes me sleep all night. Feels so good,” Xiao You said. “I have not had such deep and nice sleep for the past years,” she smiled.

Jing smiled. “I’m so glad. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile like this,”

Xiao You’s smile fades off from her face.

“Why?” Jing asked.

“Nothing. I don’t even remember when the last time I feel like this was,”

Jing sat down next to her. “Xiao You,” she took a deep breath. “I don’t even know what and how to say…”

“I can’t move on when I left Taipei 6 years ago. Those days were very painful,” Xiao You said. “I would say that I have lived thru it and it is past. That is why… I refused to mention anything about it,”

“I am glad that you confessed about it. I hope you do feel better now…” Jing said.

“Mentioning anything would not change my past,” Xiao You said.

“But I do hope it helps ease your…”

“Jing,” Xiao You said. “I have to go on with my life. It is very tough for me,” she looked at Jing. “I hated what I have been thru. And I can only blame Xi Men for all that he had put me thru. I will honestly felt better if he had come just to tell me that he appreciates what I have done for him, even if he did not meant to come and ask me to stay in Taipei. I’ll be happier. I always felt that he had taken me for granted ever since…” she sighed. “I live my life with hatred. I can only hate to live on and it became the strength for me to move on,”

“But Xiao You… I still cannot pinpoint the reason being, to blame Xi Men for everything,”

“Maybe you just didn’t see it,” Xiao You said.

“How can it make changes to your life if he had gone to the airport and bid goodbye to you?”

Xiao You took a deep breath. “Take this scenario,” she said. “You sacrifice and did a lot of things for your man that you know it gives a positive impact in his life and all you wanted to hear from him is thank you for what you have done, thank you for enlightened his life, thank you for changing his life. You only want that. It will be even better if he tells you that he likes you,”

Jing smiled, “Hmm, yeah?”

“You don’t expect a man will fall in love with you just because of what you did. You know it changes him. He knows it impacts him. But you only wanted a word thank you because you know how much it impacted him in a good way, you can see it in his face,”

“Okay…”

“But instead, he did not come to say thank you for what you did. All your efforts seem to be a mandatory for you to do for him. He never appreciates what you do,” Xiao You said. “Are you hurt with that?”

“Depends,” Jing said. “Maybe he did not realized about what I did that impacted him this much,”

“Let’s just say he did not appreciate what you do,” Xiao You said.

“But you also have to know why, from his side,”

“Maybe you should just focus on yourself because you know him damn well and it won’t be fair to think that he has his own reasons about not appreciating my sacrifices, and why I have to sacrifice everything for some bloody rich brat like him,”

“But he is a human…”

“So I am not?” Xiao You asked. “Every single damn day, I am only thinking of what I’ve done, that I tried to show him the billboard, and that he can be not grateful at what I am doing, causing me to think that I am always not at the perfect state?” she looked at Jing. “Have I really done anything wrong? Seriously? Did you know, I keep thinking I did not do enough in my life? And that no matter how much I do, nobody will appreciate it. Do you know this is what happening in my life? That I always felt imperfect, that I always fail, that I felt hurt?”

Jing looked at Xiao You.

“I have to carry that imperfection and the feeling of being a failure with me. Yes, everyone has their imperfections. But this impacted me damn a lot that it is killing me, do you know that?” Xiao You asked. “When people keep telling me how good I was at doing stuffs, and how much effort I put in, I felt it is not enough. It is ALWAYS not enough,”

Jing bites her lower lip.

“Soon I realized the problem is not because of I did not do enough. It is the lack of appreciation by someone very important in my life,” Xiao You said. “It’s Xi Men. I noticed that my life revolves around him so much that it has impacted everything in my life. I cannot be like this anymore, not for someone who does not even bother to care about me or to bid farewell when I left. I need to move on, and it is made tough because I like him. In order for me to be able to move on, I have to do something about it… and I did,”

“What did you do?”

“I hate him,” Xiao You said. “I just switched my likings to him to hatred. It wasn’t difficult though. But don’t get me wrong. I don’t simply hate people. I also slowly discover that whatever I did is just not good enough for him. I have to sit and think…” she turned and looked at Jing, “I told myself, it is alright. I need to move on, to be able to stand on my own feet, and to know that people crushed my life because he does not appreciate what I do for him. I hate him alright for all the damages he caused me,”

‘So it was something that she had mentally and emotionally…’ Jing thought to herself. ‘No wonder she is like this… this has impacted her so much…’

“I had every single reason to hate him. So don’t ask me to think for his part, for no one is thinking for me,” Xiao You said.

Jing gripped Xiao You’s hand. “Okay,” Jing said. “Then, what about the guys? You should only hate Xi Men, but why the others?”

“Because they are F4. They are his best friends,”

“But we ladies are his best friends too…”

“Because they are guys,” Xiao You smirked. “Do you think that if you ladies are no longer F4’s girlfriend, you would still hang around with them? You became a part of his life because of Lei. These guys are forever his best friends. They will stand by his side no matter what decision he made,”

“Oh,” Jing gets it now. “Um… so…” she smiled. “It’s already past. You’ve already voiced out everything to Xi Men yesterday. I want you to be happy now, Xiao You,”

“I did feel better voicing it out. I don’t feel that much of hatred towards the guys besides HIM,” Xiao You emphasized the word. “You know, it has been a part of me for the last 6 years. But I can’t be happy just by saying it and forget the entire thing as if it never happened. It’s a scar, Jing. Life goes on. Life goes on with the scar. I will still be me, still me. So, to your airport question, I don’t see a point to think of the WHAT IF he comes and bla bla bla. No what ifs,”

Jing smiled forcefully at her. Basically, she doesn’t know how to react to Xiao You. And the truth of the airport situation where all of them knew… will remain a secret.

**********

“It has something to do with her mindset. The entire situation affects her mentally and emotionally,” Jing said, poked her fork onto the French fries in her plate.

“So you are telling me it is not my fault?” Xi Men asked, looking at Jing in the posh restaurant.

“Of course it is your fault,” Ah Si said.

“But she said it is with Xiao You’s mindset!” Xi Men said, pointing at Jing.

“I honestly think that if you had gone to bid farewell to her, our lives would be simpler today,” Ah Si said. He eyed Mei Zhuo, and Mei Zhuo shook at him, refusing Ah Si to reveal it.

For Mei Zhuo knows the truth about the airport situation with Xi Men… but Xi Men didn’t know that all of them already knew about it because Mei Zhuo actually told them… (*readers will know about this later, don’t worry.)

“Hello?! I already said I don’t know the time of her plane to go back to Canada!” Xi Men said.

‘Liar,’ Mei Zhuo thought to himself.

“Then at least you can make an effort to go look for her in Canada?” Ah Si asked. “If you are so poor to buy a flight ticket back then, you should have asked me,”

“Stop insulting me, I can buy a plane with my riches least to say a flight ticket!” Xi Men said.

“You did,” San Chai and Ah Si said softly, when Xi Men turned to look at them, wondering what they are talking about.

“Yo guys!” Lei called.

Ah Si and Xi Men looked at Lei.

“Fighting over going to Canada now won’t change the situation. Let’s just focus on what is going on today,” Lei said. “Shall we?”

“I’m on Lei’s side,” Mei Zhuo said.

“Okay, so what else did she tell you?” San Chai asked Jing.

“I thought you are closer to Xiao You?” Ah Si asked San Chai.

All of them looked at San Chai.

“Yeah, I thought so too?” Mei Zhuo scratched his head.

“Actually, I do feel something is not right since the past years,” San Chai said. “But I thought it was the distance and maturity,” she said. “You see, I am in Taipei and she is in Canada and we only contacted thru emails. Until today, I have no idea where she stays in Canada. And she can access the email anywhere in the world. I don’t even know she went to London. Over the years, the emails she replied has not been immediate, and contents are getting lesser. I did ask her about her environment, surroundings, career… and stuffs but she rarely responded to those, and even if she did, the answer will be ‘everything is great’. She will still be my best friend, but to be honest, I don’t know if I am still that ‘close’ with her. I do wonder about the status of friendship I am with her,”

“I won’t blame San Chai for that,” Xiao Qiao said. “When distance came and years passed, it will definitely put a strain onto a friendship or relationship. Moreover, Xiao You seems to be quite secretive and we are all utterly shocked when she was talking pretty harsh and sarcastic to you guys,”

“Yeah, she is still kinda good at us, but to you guys…” San Chai said.

“You have to bear with it, because you are Xi Men’s best friend,” Jing said.

The guys looked at Jing.

“But she is not that harsh at me when I see her yesterday night…” Mei Zhuo said.

“She did mention that she felt better, but that does not mean she lets everything passed,” Jing said. “She might still be harsh at you guys. So, if you are hit, you know what it means,”

They all looked at Xi Men.

“What?” Xi Men asked.

“It is all your fault,” Ah Si said.

“Are you going to start again?” Xi Men asked.

“I honestly felt that this has greatly impacted Xiao You. And everyone has their different mindset and believes in life. Some people in her shoe might just think that it is done and over with the billboard and life goes on. Not everyone will share this same sentiment. We can’t truly blame Xiao You for taking this too seriously and somehow impacted her life in a long run. It is her mindset we are talking about. We act differently in life and gave different kind of reactions to situations. And yet, we can’t blame Xi Men for this also because he didn’t know this has greatly impacted Xiao You,” Jing said.

“So, who to blame?” Mei Zhuo asked.

“Both,” Lei and Jing said together. And then they looked at each other for they don’t expect to mention the same answer.

“Why both?” all of them asked at Lei and Jing.

“You just said not to blame me, and now you said I am at fault?” Xi Men asked.

“I said both because it is Xiao You’s mindset. And your attitude,” Lei said, looking at Xi Men.

“What attitude?!” Xi Men asked.

“I agree with Lei,” Jing said. “Your attitude contributes to her mindset. Her mindset contributes to our suffering!”

“Urgh…” Xi Men groaned.

“But anyway…” Mei Zhuo said. “Since Xi Men said already that he will take care of Xiao You, I think it is a good time for you to mend things and fix them right,”

“The way that you mention it sounds like me being placed in jail to serve my sentence,” Xi Men said.

“So you are saying that taking care of Xiao You is your served time in jail?” San Chai asked sarcastically.

“I don’t mean that,” Xi Men turned and looked at San Chai with a silly grin on his face.

“So we are relying on you to fix things right and hope that she no longer gives us those attitude problem again,” Lei said.

“Yes, now we are all eyes on you and depend on you to fix it right for what you had done to her,” Ah Si said.

“Err. Hello? I am innocent,” Xi Men said. “I did nothing…”

“Because you did nothing, you are now suffering and we do too!” Mei Zhuo yelled.

“Right!” San Chai yelled. “I think you are the one that causes her to distant herself from me!”

“NOW don’t blame me for that!” Xi Men said.

“Don’t worry. We will be helping what we can for her,” Jing said. “You just do your part,”

“I offered to take care of her because I felt responsible for that one night stand,” Xi Men said.

“OOOHHHH, about that! I have yet to kill you!!!!” San Chai said, turned and stretches over; and trying to grip Xi Men to choke him.

“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH – HELP!” Xi Men screamed, trying to run away. “You know I didn’t know who she is before I slept with her!!!”

“It is for she is Xiao You!!!” San Chai said, still trying to grip and catch Xi Men while Ah Si was pulling her back.

“Thank goodness we are in a private room, if we are out in the open hall of the restaurant… I will tell you I don’t know her…” Ah Si said at Lei, who is sitting next to him.

Lei smiled while coolly grabbed his drink and takes a sip.


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