Love/Hate – Chapter 39

“You are not bored with that song?” Xiao You asked.

Xi Men, who is leaning back at the couch and staring into the stereo, turned to look at Xiao You walking to him. He smiled. “No, not really,”

“You’ve been playing it over and over again, I bet the CD is going to spoil real soon,” Xiao You said.

He laughed. “Nah… I got hooked on it,”

“I have one CD here… if you would like to listen,” she sits down in front of him, on the coffee table.

“Oh? What song is it in there?” he sits up.

“Listen to the first song,” she looked at the stereo, wanting to stop the CD.

“Let me,” he said.

“Okay,” she handed him the CD.

Xi Men expertly pressed the few buttons on the stereo; stopped the song and ejected the CD. He then inserted Xiao You’s CD into the stereo.

“First song?” he asked for confirmation.

“Yes, first song,” she said.

“Okay,” he pressed the play button, and then he placed his own CD into the case.

It is quiet for a moment, while waiting for the stereo to read the CD and play the song.

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” Xi Men suddenly asked.

Xiao You bites her lips. “I guess so,”

“What do you mean ‘you guess so’?”

She smiled. “I am not too sure if I am ready for abortion,”


“But I am not ready for motherhood too,” she smiled.

“Oh,” he said.

“Well, I guess, in any ways… I still have to… abort, right?”

He looked at her. “It is your decision, really. And… I cannot do anything about it,”

She smiled, as she lightly dunked her head.

The stereo finally read the CD and then it started playing the song.

Both of them sat there listening to the song.

Xi Men sits back to the couch and listened to the song.

‘I love him in the madly state, my dream that has been shattered but I won’t forget…’

*Autumn’s Concerto OST – I Love Him (Translated to English)

Xi Men suddenly closed his eyes and he immersed into the lyrics.

‘I love him through all the hardships till despair, my heart has been deeply in hurt but never forget’

Xiao You smiled. “I love this song a lot,” she suddenly speaks. “I listen to it very often too,”

Xi Men opened his eyes and looked at her.

She turned and looked at Xi Men, “Oops, I disturbed you,”

He smiled and shook, and he looked at the stereo when he was actually listening to the song.

‘Even if there are regrets, what can I do about them? Will I be recovered even if I have gone through the sadness, got hurt and understood it?’

The phrases suddenly hit Xi Men. Why does it seem like it speaks from his heart? Of course, asides from the singer is a female… and also the lyrics are pointed to loving a man.

He then moved forward to the stereo to press on ‘repeat’ button.

Xiao You looked at him.

“Can I borrow this CD from you, so I can listen to it?” Xi Men asked.

She nodded, “Sure,”

“Thanks,” he said.

“Why, you have the similar song preference like me?” she said.

“This song is quite… I don’t know. Interesting?” he laughed at his words.

She smiled.

It was silence again.

Xi Men dunked his head, not too sure what to say or what to do.

“I love him,” Xiao You suddenly speaks.

Xi Men looked at her. “Huh?”

“I love him, in a madly state,” she said again. “I love him thru all the hardships till despair, my heart has been deeply in hurt but I will never forget,”

Xi Men wondered with the way she speaks.

She stared at the stereo, “The only regret that I left for him was the day I left, I could not stop my tears, if I could rewind the moment, I will not cry, I will let him know that I can be fine as well,” she then turned looking at Xi Men with a smile on her face. “Just like this song, it explains my heart so well,”

“Oh,” he finally gets it. She was repeating after the lyrics of the song.

“I once love the father of my baby,” she said, touching her tummy.

Xi Men looked at her. “You are still in contact with him?” he asked, upon hearing she said ONCE.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Oh,” that’s all he could say. After all, she has always been in her room with her cell phone. Of course he wouldn’t know if she ever contacted anyone when she is not in front of him.

“I think I still love him,” she smiled.

“Oh…” he said, dunking his head.

“I want to let him know that… I can be fine as well… I am fine,” she said.

Xi Men looked at her. He did not say anything, as he slowly dunking down his head. She loves someone.

She smiled. “You know…”

He looked at her again.

“I just found out that… 6 years ago, when I left, you actually went to the airport,” she said.

He stunned. “Damn Mei Zhuo. He promised me never to tell anyone,”

“Why don’t you want to tell anyone?”

“I… well, I didn’t manage to catch you. That’s the result. So… no point saying it too, right?”

“Past is past, right?”

He nodded.

“Tell me, Xi Men,”


“What is running in your mind that time?” Xiao You said.

“Go home?” he said stupidly.

She turned and looked at Xi Men. “Why 4 hours before the flight?” she corrected her question.

“Oh,” he said. He waited for a while before he say, “You have to be there 2 hours before flight to check in. So, if you are there early, I can accompany you until the flight takes off. So, we have a bit more time to talk,” he looked at her. “I want to be early so that I am around when you’ve reached, instead of the other way around,”

“So you never intended to ask me to stay?”

Xi Men dunked his head. “Actually, I didn’t…”

“Oh,” she disappointed.

“Because…” he said. She looked at him. “You have not reached the legal age to be separated from parents. And I feel that your parents need you more… I… I don’t want to be sued legally because I took you away from your parents. I don’t want to be selfish to take you away from your parents,”

She gaped. She did not expect he will say that.

“I wanted to say… to wait for me for one year… when you have reached the age… I’ll come,”

“So that’s the reason why you bought the plane ticket?”

He frowned. “What plane ticket?”

“Err,” she recalled that he shouldn’t have known the rest of the buddies actually knew about this, but since she had said it… “You bought a plane ticket… and it ended in rubbish bin,”

He frowned at her. He looked away, seemingly trying to recall the incident. Suddenly his face eases up from stress, as though he found the answer. “San Chai and Ah Si, isn’t it?”

“What about them?”

“They must have seen it in the rubbish bin,” Xi Men said. “San Chai. She sits near the rubbish bin. They are the only people possible to have seen and know about it because Lei and Mei Zhuo were away to Japan and Singapore respectively,”

“It doesn’t matter who, it can be the aunty who cleans up your rubbish bin. But I need to know,”

Xi Men stops for a while. It is definitely not the person who cleans up his room because over the course of 6 years, the aunty who cleans up his room has changed twice. And the 2 women didn’t know each other, what’s more to say, to talk and chat, and exchange information about a torn flight ticket? If they really knew each other, there are more interesting gossips in the office to talk about rather than a torn flight ticket. He then noticed it has been quiet.

“Why so quiet suddenly?” he asked.

“I am waiting for your answer,” she said.


“The reason you bought the flight ticket is to see me. Is it true?”

He looked at her, now recalled the topic of the conversation they just had. “Yes,”

“Then why?  Why did you tear it? Why didn’t you come?”

He took a deep breath. “I ponder about it. It’s been a year since I last seen you. I didn’t know what to expect when I see you. Will I disturb and interrupt your life? Are you already seeing someone? Will I come and create havoc in your life? Will you be happy or sad when you see me? How will you feel about that? I do not want to be and bring the extraordinaire into your life. There are so many things running in my mind. I am scared my appearance will hurt you. And the conclusion I get is not to disturb you, and let it be. Let things be it. So… I throw the flight ticket away. I… I was in confusion and undecided for few months over that matter,” Xi Men said. “I didn’t know you are waiting for me. I didn’t know it will cause you hatred, I…”

She looked at him.

“I’m sorry for causing you troubles in life,” he said.

She smiled and shook. “After so many years…”

He looked at her.

“After so many years, I finally come to my senses that you are not at fault of the turnout my life,”


She took a deep breath. “I let my own emotions decide my life. I let my anger and hatred conquered my life. It became a part of me,” she looked at him. “I let myself hate you too much, so much that it becomes a part of me. Every single thing that did not turn out right, I blame you, because I keep feeling that IF you had come to the airport, IF you had look for me, it will not turn out like this. Inadvertently I put you as the reason for most failures in my life. I have never thought about… you know, it is your option if you want to come to airport, if you want to come to look for me. It was never mandatory for you. It was supposed to be an option but I didn’t take it that way,” she then looked away. “San Chai is right. I let my hatred eats me up. Things shouldn’t be turning this way if I can tell myself to look at the brighter side. And that it is an option to let you enter my life. And that you have your own choice,” she smiled, and then looked at him, “I admit that I move on easier, better and faster when I hate you. But I should only use the hatred feeling as the temporary measure to let me move on from it, not dwell on the hatred itself that it affects me mentally and emotionally,”

Xi Men was surprised with her confession. “San Chai… told you that?”

She smiled. “You wouldn’t think that someone like her could say something like this, right?”

Xi Men smiled, “Yes, I cannot believe it,”

She looked at him and smiled. “Xi Men,”

“Hm?” he asked.

“I don’t hate you anymore,” she said.

Xi Men smiled, slowly showing his pearly whites. “I… I am happy,”

She turned and looked at the stereo and listened to the song.

“Actually, I don’t even know what it feels to hate you anymore,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“Two weeks ago when I speak up in hospital…” she said. “I felt relieved,”


“Yeah… it feels like something is stuck inside my heart, and I get to let it out. I feel relieved. I manage to smile sincerely after so many years. Being with you guys means life to me. I feel alive,” she said.

“I am happy you feel that way,” Xi Men couldn’t help smiling now.

“Yeah,” she said.

Xi Men and Xiao You sat there quietly while the living room is filled by the song that is being played over and over again.

Xi Men was in the midst of thinking what to do and what to say to her. To express his feelings? But is he ready?


“It’s getting late, time to rest,” Xiao You smiled as she rose to her feet.

“Ah, Xiao You,” he called as he rose to his feet too.

She looked at him, “Yeah?”


She is still looking at him.

“Err… good night,” he said.

She smiled. “Good night,” and then she turned, walking to her room.

“Argh, what is wrong with you?! You failed as a man!” he mumbled as he slapped his forehead.

“Oh, by the way,” Xiao You turned to see him slapping his own forehead.

“Ah?” he looked at her.

“Why are you hitting yourself?”

“Oh… errr….” he said. “I… err… there’s a mozzie!” he said, over-reacted with his respond.

She frowned at him. “Why are you so excited with a mosquito on your head?”


“Anyway,” she said. “Don’t sleep in the living room tonight anymore. Sleep in your room,”

“Okay,” he said. “Sure,”

She smiled as she turned and resume her steps.

“Ahh, wait!” he said as he run to her.

“What’s up?” she asked, as he approached her.

He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Goodnight kiss,” he smiled.

She smiled, “Thank you,” and she walked into her room.

His smile fades off completely the moment she closes her door.

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